Showing posts with label WHBM should pay me as a spokesperson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WHBM should pay me as a spokesperson. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

While I Was Out 10-25-11

So, it's been a week + 1 day already.  Sue me, I'm tardy with my wrap-up.

When you're in a relationship, I think it's possible to have separate interests-- as long as you communicate well.  For instance, here's an actual Instant Message conversation between me and The Boy from last night:

Derek:  Hmmm...maybe I need to watercool my PC.

Andrea:  ?

Derek:  It's a super-nerd thing.

Andrea:  And so clearly I know nothing about it.

Derek:  Instead of using fans and air to cool your CPU, you put a radiator and water pump in your PC to  cool it the same way you cool your car.

Andrea:  Sounds...um... overwrought.

Derek:  That's kind of the point.  It's like when guys put big engines and paint flames on their car
  ...but the nerd version of that.

Andrea:  (going thru the mail) Ooooo-- the White House Black Market Catalog arrived!

Derek:  (silence)

Andrea:  Yay!  Patterned tights are in again this year.    I love being "on trend."

Derek:  Yeah, um...I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Andrea:  It's like when a guy paints flames on his car.

Derek:  Ah.


Okay, so I'll admit it:  This week, the posting was slim.

I started the week by telling you all about the stalker I cultivated last Fall through match.com.

I then admitted I obsess over previous posts and felt compelled to update the one on my stalker to explain how I killed Uncle Marty.

I'd also like to go on record with the following statement:  I do know that if Freddie is an actual shut-in and his Uncle Marty did in fact pass away, I'm a complete and total shit.

Okay, with my conscience now clear, I can move on.

So when I wasn't entertaining you with yet another really uncomfortable dating situation, being a Marketing Genius, or educating The Boy on women's hosiery fads, I stayed pretty busy.  Here's some stuff I loved last week:

More from my beloved AT AT.

Please take a moment to color my underwear important.

Yet another reason I love Adele.

Afraid of spiders?  See one get his comeuppance.

I have more in common with this guy than just the way I look in my Forever Lazy.

I now have a pretty good idea what life was like for my big sister when we were growing up... although I probably wore a shirt.  Probably.

Happy Halloween, Google Plus!

And finally, Toast toasts toast.

To keep up with everything I do, become a FANdrea by clicking "Join this site."  You'll never miss a blog post and it's way less time-consuming and more legal than stalking (even though I do feel really close to you).

Monday, September 26, 2011

My Kind of Town

I love taking in a new city...and Chicago was a nice surprise.  I'm not really sure what I expected, but it certainly wasn't European architecture, expansive gardens with modern sculptures and cornbread-like pizza crust (honestly, what's up with that, Chicago?).  With the high humidity and abundance of chubby people, I almost felt like I was back home in Houston. I mean sure, I had an unintentional Afro all weekend, but unlike in Denver my chub rub was in good company. There were even times I felt svelte.

The Boy and I flew in to the Windy City for a long weekend before I attended a Marketing conference. This was our first non-family-related vacation and for you eye-rollers out there let me irritate you by saying it was amazing.  I really do think you learn a lot from people based on how they travel...and what Derek learned about me is I can be a tad bit high-maintenance. A smidge.  I suspect this didn't come as a huge shock, but I really did appreciate how good-natured he was about holding my purse, my carry-on bag, my itinerary, my latte, my Nook, my iPad and my Blackberry at various times during our plane-boarding experience. I travel for work quite often and now I have no idea how I've done it without a sherpa. Or at the very least, an alpaca. And I'm pretty sure if I play the heart card, I can arrange for one on future trips. I have special needs, people!

We arrived around midday on Friday and after checking into our hotel and a delightful sheet inspection session, we headed out into a damp and chilly afternoon.  After walking around a bit, we settled in for a late lunch at an Irish gastro pub on Michigan Ave.  Late lunch turned into a second round of totally yummy Dark Horse raspberry ale at the bar and eventually our conversation turned to primate evolution. Obviously.

The Boy got his Masters from Duke in Evolutionary Biology (or as I like to think of it, "Monkeys"), whereas my scientific knowledge is limited to Time magazine cover stories I've partially read.  Don't even get me started on the study of single-celled organisms from the Vendian period-- my grasp of the topic is positively paragraphic!  So perhaps I could be excused for asking Derek if  "Lucy" was the oldest known primate.

Suddenly, he needed a cocktail napkin and a pen... and I knew I was in for something special.  Soon I was being led on an evolutionary romp beginning 50 million years ago with Notharctus running through Neanderthals and ending with Ted Nugent Not really that large of a leap, if you ask me.  Seriously, have you seen his brow ridge and the deranged way he runs around the woods killing things?


Oh God, it's just too easy.

You may be incredulous, but my eyes didn't glaze over once!  And I was amazed at how much of the material he remembered. By the time he was finished, 3/4 of the cocktail napkin was covered by a timeline complete with little stick-ape drawings for the non-cranially inclined.  It was clearly my turn to dazzle.

I was a Radio & Television major at the University of Houston and I didn't exactly walk away with an encyclopedic understanding of the subject matter. Still, undaunted, I flipped Derek's cocktail napkin over and began what I hoped to be a comparable lecture on Radio & Television.  I drew a timeline beginning with Marconi inventing the radio and ending with someone (I couldn't quite remember who) inventing the TV. I think I may even have done a horrible impression of Al Jolson somewhere in there.  Man, I'm really lucky I'm hot.

Mammy!


My absolute favorite part of the trip was going to the Field Museum the next day to see Sue.  For you regular folks out there, Sue is the most complete T. rex skeleton ever dug up or unearthed or whatever you call it. Despite the fact that my mother long-believed that dinosaurs (or as I like to call them, "Jesus Horses") were a hoax, I've always been interested in dinosaurs.  And since my friends and family have long-delighted in mocking my T. rex-like arms, for me it was like visiting a long-lost Auntie.


TyrANNIEsaurus rex.  Arms shown actual size.

We soon found ourselves in the museum's wicked awesome evolutionary exhibit where I was able to relive the previous afternoon's discussion, just this time with actual fossils as examples.  I know many of you will think I'm mocking him (okay and maybe I am, just a tad) but seriously, it was amazing to go through an exhibit like that with someone who really understands the science so well. It would be like visiting a White House Black Market museum with me.

Hey, we all have our strengths-- and it's important to recognize them.

We ended our visit in the Whale exhibit, where I made a complete ass of myself by pointing to an X-ray of a human hand and saying "Wow, that looks exactly like a human hand."  I thought it was a flipper.  This is a whale exhibit, Derek.  And then we moved on to things that I know, like pizza, beer and a dive bar where I caused a ruckus by locking the door to the men's room because I was tired of waiting to use the women's.  And where I may or may not have dozed off at the table.  It was late.

So what did I learn about The Boy on this trip?  Well, for starters, he draws horrible stick-apes.  And his intellect is truly dizzying, for another.  And his patience with me knows almost no bounds.  I learned that I love the feel of his hand in mine, the warmth of his breath in my ear as he whispers one Latin word or another, and the look of our reflection in a display case.

And mostly I learned that I still have so much to learn.  I can't wait.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Lord of the Super-Fly

My therapist's name is Yoda.  Well, really it's Karen...but I call her Yoda and she clearly digs it.  I think I'm totally her favorite patient because she says things like I'm "very entertaining" (um, clinically?) and that she can't believe how much happens in my life in one week.  She once showed me a sample of the notes she took during an appointment last fall and they were hysterical.  It was like a dating flow chart.  "Quinn? Still in.  Freddie? Out.  T?  Questionable."

2010 was a rough year.  In fact, 2010 will go down in the history of my life (as if anyone is compiling one) as The Year I Died in Denver.  It started in January when I said goodbye to my foster daughter of 6 months.  It heated up when I lost the promotion I killed myself to get in February.  It continued with my husband almost drinking himself to death in March (he had a .43 blood alcohol level when I checked him into detox).  It kept on rolling when we decided to separate in May and when he finally moved out at the end of June.  And then on July 26, I died on an operating table during the surgery to replace my defunct defibrillator.

(To be fair, they killed me on purpose to make sure that the defib would work properly.  Which to me is a little like amputating a leg to make sure that your artificial knee is a keeper...but I'm sure they know best.)

I started seeing Yoda in May 2010, I think.  So she sort of got onboard the Titanic late, like Jack Dawson and Fabrizio when they won their tickets in that ill-fated poker game.  And she's been helping me analyze the iceberg ever since.

Yoda is very perceptive and a great listener.  She also is maybe the only person who gets my attachment to Barry Manilow and truly understands what I mean when I say that there were moments last summer and fall where I could distinctly hear a huge Barry Manilow song swell up in the background, as if my life were a tear-jerker of a chick flick.


Yoda, listening to some awesome Barry Manilow tunes.

And to be fair, in 2010 it kind of was.  I struggled mightily with depression and with dating and with just about everything else except sarcasm, self-loathing and snarky Facebook status posts.  And during my darkest hours, Yoda was there in my head, guiding and navigating and fundamentally changing the way I think about things.

A sample exchange from last summer:

A:  But how will I shovel my driveway?  I'm not supposed to do anything that strenuous because of the whole heart failure thing.  Who is going to take care of me?
Y:  It's July, Andrea.  How about we just get you through the next 24 hours?

Another:

Y:  What is that you're really afraid of with the heart surgery?
A:  I'm afraid I'm going to die.
Y:  Let's go with that.  So, you die.  Big deal.  Depending on your belief system you'll either go to heaven or everything will just stop.  Either way, no more pain.
A:  Okay, but no deviled eggs on the buffet or non-premium liquor at the bar at my funeral cocktail party.  And my obituary better have a skinny photo of me.  I don't care if it has to be photoshopped.

Then something miraculous happened...I got better.  And on my last visit, we decided that we'd start throttling back my appointments to every other week.  Mostly we're still working on my self-esteem, which ought to buy her a nice weekend place in the mountains at some point.  It seems I tend to base my self-worth on my relative attractiveness to the opposite sex and this isn't really how it's supposed to work.  Who knew?

A sample of our conversations on this topic:

A:  Whenever I get on a plane, I always check the other passengers to make sure I'm one of the most attractive women.  That way, if the plane crashes and we have to build a new society on an island somewhere, I'll be favored as a breeder.  Is that normal?
Y:  I think what you're really asking is "is that healthy?"  And I'd have to say it's on the extreme end of the bell curve.  And by the way, you can't have children, so how would you be favored?
A:  But they won't know I can't have children.  I'd totally tell them I have 4 kids at home.  And then I'd go all Lord of the Flies on them.

It is so strange to me that other people don't feel or think this way.  That some people just have an innate sense of their worth... and don't have to spend thousands of dollars on pencil skirts at White House Black Market to get there.  And what is the point of looking this cute if it doesn't really matter anyway?

So I think Yoda and I will have many more discussions on the topic...as I work my way to the other side of the bell curve, where I'll apparently be wearing Birkenstocks in a Drum Circle, feeling deliriously happy about how spectacular I am. 

Til then, I'll keep trying to appreciate how life looks atop 4 inch stilettos.  Plus, White House Black Market is having a sale!