Adventures in Dating, Episode 4.5: The Amazing Lady Panties

You may grow to hate me for this one.

January was a rough month.  I went home for a week at Christmas and being back in Colorado had me horribly homesick.  My Colorado friends were busy with their own lives and I was not at all busy with mine.

The month started off in a very promising fashion.  Sure, I was dating two different people in whom I was completely disinterested.  And yes, the most nightmarish co-worker of my entire life had answered an entire department's prayers by leaving the company.  So one could say that things were rolling in my favor.  But most nights still found me holed up at home alone, drinking wine like it was my job, feeling not-so-great about my dating prospects.

And then someone from my past, someone who I once had an enormous crush on, started emailing me on Facebook.  It was clear he was interested in me and I had at one time been hugely interested in him...so we emailed a few times and then switched to texting.  He was funny, if in a horribly misspelled way, and very attentive.  And when he occasionally sexted, I either ignored it or played along if the mood struck me.

He was strangely fascinated with my feet.  And yet for some reason, I continued to text with him.  What can I say?  I'm a little bit of an attention whore.  (Exhibit A:  This blog.)  Also, as I may have previously mentioned a billion times, I was horribly lonely.

One night, he and I were texting when my phone chirped the "photo delivered" sound.

At this point, I'd been match.comming it for long enough to be afraid, very afraid, of any photo sent via text.  I'd seen more penis photos than a urologist.  Perhaps even more than a Playgirl photo editor.

(Side note to the guys out there doing online dating:  We women are aware that you have penises.  But on the whole, we don't find them visually appealing.  Please, please for the love of GOD PLEASE do not send photos of your junk to unsuspecting potential matches.)

So I was understandably wary of opening the text.  But loneliness does strange things to people (and depletes the wine supply).

And then, there he was, in all his glory.

I'm going to warn you now that, should you scroll down, you will never be able to unsee this image.  Ever.  It will be burned on your retinas for all eternity.

But before you scroll, I have some questions for you:

1. Are those lady panties?
2. Exactly how much man jewelry is there on that awful, cheap bathroom counter?
3. Where are the goods?
4. What's that little fold?
5. And most importantly... WHAT THE HELL WAS I PUTTING OUT THERE THAT WOULD MAKE THIS MAN THINK THIS WOULD TURN ME ON?

Deep breath, people.  Aaaaaaaaand... scroll.

As I mentioned in Episode One, seriously, make that shit work people.

And I'm not gonna lie, this photo was sent around the world within about 5 minutes.