Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's Wednesday, So It Must Be Luxembourg

It’s the witching hour. 

Which is to say, I’ve officially completed all the work I can possibly complete today.  Had I taken a lunch hour, I think I’d make it all the way to 5:00…but if I eat lunch at my desk while I’m working, I just can’t do it.  There are only so many hours a day that my company can possess my brain.

The rest of the time, my brain is too busy thinking of really important stuff like how I’ve never seen a baby pigeon, if my hair will EVER grow past my shoulders (stubborn curls), and if the characters played by Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson stayed in touch after the end of "Lost in Translation."  Plus I can’t stop singing the Soup Dragons’ “I’m Free” over and over in my head.

I’m free to do what I want… any old time.
Love me, hold me.  Love me, hold me.  Cuz I’m FREE!

Do you ever forget where the exclamation point is on your computer keyboard because you spend too much time on your Blackberry?  Cuz wow, that just happened to me.  I sat here staring at my keyboard like I’d never seen one before, wondering if my nostrils are more asymmetrical than most people's.

How much caffeine do you think I’ve had today?

Okay, Andrea: FOCUS.

So… The Boy and I are almost 5 months into our relationship and I gotta tell you… I think we’ve got a pretty good shot at something remarkable here.  Seriously, if I can keep from messing this up, it might be a happily ever after kinda joint.  Which is fantastic, because in retrospect, I really hated both of my previous wedding gowns and I’d like a third shot at wedding dress bliss.

Wedding #1:  White satin Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float-sized monstrosity paired with pom-pom bangs & caterpillar-like eyebrows.  Stunning!

Wedding #2:  Let's take the hippiest woman in the world and stretch some off-white beaded lace across her broad ass. Yeah, that won't haunt her for life!

My best friend Vicki and I were talking about whether or not I’d ever get married again.  I weighed in that, if I ever do say “I do” again, I’m eloping.  I’m not putting my family, friends, or Pottery Barn through another one of these shindigs.  She opined “Whatever, crazy bitch.  Not only will you have another wedding, you’ll probably wear WHITE again.”

Sigh.  She knows me well.  I mean, if Kim Kardashian can wear white after dating every professional athlete in the U.S. and releasing an amateur sex tape, I think I got this.

Now, I know what you're thinking:  Is she crazy?  Why is she writing about this?  The poor man is going to hyperventilate!  (You're also wondering if your nostrils are asymmetrical, but that's beside the point.)

And the thing is, it's really all Derek's fault. 

He has this great house out in the middle of nowhere with tons of privacy and lots of space for Jackson (the World's Worst/Best Dog) to run and play and almost get eaten by predators.  And all of that is great, but it's an hour away from my I basically go out there on Thursday evenings and don't return to my home until Monday morning.  Which is also great, unless you're one of my cats, in which case you hate me.  But it necessitates alot of packing and planning.  Hey, I'm from the planning tribe, so it's kind of what I do.  Give me approximately 37 minutes and I think I could put together a plan and the materials necessary for invading a small country.  Let's go with Luxembourg, cuz quite frankly, they're kind of asking for it.  But the packing and the unpacking grows tiresome... so D offered me a drawer.

Suffice it to say I now occupy the entire dresser and half of the bathroom cabinet.  It's my version of eminent domain.

And he gave me a key.  In my world, this represents a "keymittment."  (And when I made up this word, he threatened to break up with me, which was super-cute and made me laugh.)

And recently, I placed a photo of us on my desktop, replacing the one of my cat wearing a beret.  Only single women have desktop photos of their cats wearing berets.  And let's face it, I was one bad date and one trip to the animal shelter away from becoming Crazy Cat Lady.

And I almost answered his home phone the other day when I was there alone.

And sometimes I do his laundry and clean when he's not there.  I haven't cleaned my own home since May.

The signs are all there.

And about a month ago, he and I came across an article about how you can rent this entire tiny country for your wedding. 

Think Luxembourg is available? 

And that sound you hear?  That's Derek, hyperventilating.

I love a beret! But hate my Mommy.


  1. OMG. You are crazy. And I adore it. Have you read Tina Fey's Bossypants yet? Because this is on par with her hilarity. Which means a book deal is only moments away. I'm nearly sure of it.

  2. Andrea, you are so "you" and Derek is so lucky to have you! I would wish you luck, but you don't need any ;o)